Alright! I’ve been home for a year now! Is it still everything I had hoped it would be? Well, not exactly. I should have been prepared for that, though, as I’ve already learned the lesson in life of not having flexible expectations. Sure enough, forgetting lessons of the past dooms a person to repeat them. So here I am – learning again!
As a result of some unfortunate travel difficulties on my last great adventure, I became disillusioned with the developing world. A few frustrating and reoccurring situations set me up for an intense yearning to go home. I grew tired of people telling me that a draft could make me sick, ruin my joints, and even cause cancer. I became aggravated at hearing people complain about their situations, only to forfeit any possible effort toward betterment – even before an attempt. And sadly, I ended up intolerant over what I considered a general disregard for environment and community.
I was homesick in a bad way, and really focused on such negative aspects of the societies in which I found myself. Of course, hindsight gives me a better perspective and I can now see that I was my own biggest problem. The negative opinions I had formed were due to my homesickness and lost sight of overall understanding, regardless of how accurate my opinions might have been in their specific instances.
I came home to clean air, food and water that didn’t make me sick, paved roads, organization, logic, and ambition. It was the reward I’d been seeking, but it was only superficial and didn’t last. I was so certain that coming home would bring me happiness, yet after the “honeymoon phase” it managed to remain elusive. I was dumbfounded. It was the single greatest thing I learned during my Peace Corps service: how to be happy – and somehow, it was gone.
I walked the path I thought I ought to follow: get a job, work hard, go out, have fun – but I found myself unfulfilled, and as a result, unhappy. I didn’t understand, and my misunderstanding was directly related to my expectations.
I expected that I would have tons of friends in Portland. In fact, my old friends have all moved on with their lives and are mostly not around. Most of my friends live in other cities and other countries, far away. I expected real and significant bonds with my coworkers. In fact, I don’t fit in at work. I feel tolerated by my coworkers more than I feel respected or liked. I think that’s mostly due to differences in ages, places in life – and that most everyone is overqualified for our job and upset that they’re not achieving their potential. I get the feeling that they’re miserable and my positive nature comes off as abrasive. Nevertheless, when I hear things like, “Andrew, I don’t want to hang out with you after work because I see you enough at work” my feelings are a little hurt.
Since I wasn’t finding joy at work, I put a lot of energy into my life after work. I went out with one or two friends a lot, I dated aggressively, and I found some fun volunteer activities that resembled work experiences with nice people. Well, going out a lot left me run down; all the dating left me disappointed; and the volunteer work was always short lived. In short, my hole was not being filled. I embraced exercise and began running and set a goal to gain weight, which required lots of lifting! And I loved it! There aren’t too many things that can make a person feel so good! My body developed and it was awesome! Unfortunately, being really, really, really good looking isn’t everything. I started toying with some job applications to further my career as I’ve written about in the past, but again, disappointment. I guess with this amount of unemployed people in Portland, the candidate pool is incredibly qualified! Not that I’m not, but in fact, I’m not… I mean, I have all kinds of education and I’m pretty to boot, but I haven’t really worked with conservation or natural resources in the capacity of the jobs for which I’m seeking. My real experience is in other areas. Through some random brainstorming, I came up with a better plan.
I’m going to look for jobs outside the environmental field for a while. I won’t neglect environmental jobs by any means, but I will open myself up to possibilities that I have ignored in the past. I’ll open myself up to the world and I’m excited to see what kind of new experiences I will find!
I realize that I opened this story with a bit about how wonderful it was to be back in the states. It turns out that I haven’t been cured of this travel bug just yet. Recently, I had an experience that brought all the happiness and positivity I sought back to me! My friends from Costa Rica, Oscar and Veronica, got married in Spain and asked me to be their photographer! I took some time off work and unexpectedly rediscovered what I had already learned in the Peace Corps. Surrounding one’s self with good people – people who genuinely care for you and enjoy you; and who are sincere themselves is exactly my recipe for happiness! Some folks might say I’m wrong, and that “you have to be happy with yourself first” blah, blah, blah. Okay, there’s some merit to that, but I already love myself! I’m awesome! It's just that I slipped up in recognizing who these crucial people are; but my reminder from the love in Spain was solid and profound. With a recipe for love and smiles, I don't need expectations. I only need to maintain awareness, or read the recipe once in a while to keep it fresh in my mind! Like all species on the planet, I just need the right conditions in order to thrive! I now remember what those conditions are; and since it’s now in print – I won’t forget again!
Friday, August 27, 2010
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