Feelings! More and More Feelings!

I've been in Ukraine for a year and I've been feeling lost. True to the Peace Corps experience, there are recurring ups and downs - an emotional roller coaster ride with peaks and valleys far more extreme than during any stint of my life back home. I've been slack with writing these days. Maybe on account of Instagram - maybe on account of a lack of time. Not that I'm super busy - just that I rarely have time to myself.

I'm in my 5th living situation here, 5th host family, they're wonderful. They love me like their own, and have told me so multiple times. Host mom is a local journalist; host grandma brings me food every day and wants to know if I've ever tried it before; host grandpa brings me wood for the wood stove every day and asks, every day, if I can light it by myself; 3 host sons tell me, "hello" every day, but that's the extent of their English; host dad visits regularly when he's bored, and prepares us a banya (sauna) every Sunday, which is an hours-long affair with drinking, gossiping, sweating, whipping each other with sticks, etc. They're absolutely lovely and they're driving me insane!!! With my American mentality for privacy, independence, and me-time, I am at my wit's end, struggling to accommodate their generosity. What's more, I feel like a complete jackass because I'm complaining about people who are being too nice to me... They're overbearing, insistent, and so curious. That I can't take it only makes me feel like a jerk - and I've got no alone time to process that feeling. Among other feelings.

In the fall, our work group organized a weekend excursion to the Carpathian Mountains. 17 (out of 24) people packed into a 16-person van, weighted down with our luggage and provisions, to go wine tasting and hot tubbing. (Provisions included 10 liters of vodka - to go wine tasting???) Age range was between 24 and 67, position range was from secretary to vice mayor. I was impressed that 2/3 of the whole team committed to a long weekend with colleagues instead of their friends and families. The trip was fantastic - conversation the whole way. Cards in the back. Playlists in the front. Hey, pass this, hey, pass that. We're out of crackers - hey, pour another round! Every so often we pulled off to the side of the road for more shots and picnic snacks. We packed all of our food for 2.5 days and the gender roles saw the women dutifully preparing all meals and cleaning up afterward, while the men made damn well sure that the 3rd, 7th, and 21st toasts were standing occasions and dedicated to the women. A couple of times, in fact, the guys had to interrupt the chatting ladies to inform them that they were drinking in their honor again. All the female eyes would roll in unison as they sarcastically mumbled an insincere thank you. The wine tasting was as you can imagine it - a welcomed break from vodka. The hot tubbing was more of mineral bath soaking. Also impressed with the lack of body-image issues and absence of conservative insecurities that I would expect back home in a similar setting. Not that I could imagine a 2/3 colleague participation in a hot tubbing weekend adventure back home. Additionally, and especially, I was absolutely blown away at the team cohesiveness in this group. I've been here long enough - I know the clicks - I know the people everybody loves - I know the people everybody hates. Despite those differences, the whole group can come together - a combination of different social and professional statuses and preferences - and honestly and sincerely enjoyed each other's company! It was a beautiful thing to witness, and even partake in! Days later, I thanked the Vice Mayor for this excellent team building adventure. I had to look up the word for "team building" in front of him. He patiently waited for me, and looked perplexed after I finished my spiel. He just looked at me and gave me the Ukrainian equivalent to our, "Uhhh... Yeah. That's just how we roll here."

Maybe it’s a village thing - everyone knows everyone else’s business, so there’s not a lot of work/life separation. Maybe it’s a Ukrainian culture thing - an old world way - lost to our modern, developed society. There's so much I don't understand. Sometimes I can throw my hands up and go with the flow. Other times, my lack of understanding is a frustration that can't be overcome and I succumb to it with great stress. In these moments, I desperately want to understand - but there's no way in this hell that I can. On top of that - no one understands me. Sometimes they laugh and just go with flow as I do. Other times they get as frustrated as I do and say mean things. ie - our weekly/twice weekly coffee discussion on "why Andrew doesn't believe in god and doesn't want kids" devolves into someone yelling at me, "That's why you're 39 and single and no one will ever love you!" I hear those words, and they hurt, so I try to translate them in my head as follows: "Andrew, if you'd like to take the rest of the day off, that's perfectly fine." And then I head to the gym for some anger training.

There doesn't seem to be a fine line between professional and personal relationships. Professionalism, as we would expect it, is very important, but from what I've seen, trust is built through the personal part of relationships. If people here can't spend time off the clock together with their colleagues, then their time on the clock is inefficient, unproductive, inferior, and their presence lowers overall morale. I spend lots of time with my colleagues outside of work - and it's usually a blast! It also usually revolves around alcohol. In the West, we would look at alcohol's role in this society as a vice that would be socially unacceptable back home because of the way it's abused - but maybe there’s an important part of it that fosters cohesion? Even, and maybe especially, between people that don't like each other? There are days when everybody can be drunk at work - and there are days when everybody can be sober. Seems like the same amount of work gets done, either way. My colleagues were respectful and disappointed with the announcement of my New Year's Resolution to stop drinking spirits. Only beer or wine for me - which is understood by the locals as "Andrew doesn't drink alcohol in 2018." They often try to get me back in the game of shots, and their disappointment is growing. I love that they care so much about including me; it's so touching. I fear January 1, 2019, when they'll be ready with a heavy supply of homemade vodka and I'll have to think of a different way to disappoint them. I love my colleagues, I really do, but I've taken my last shot, which is another thing they'll never understand.

The barrier to understanding is equal parts language and culture. I can understand a lot of the Ukrainian language - and I can follow an explanation, word for word, without having any clue as to what someone is talking about. And the reverse is also true (see above about god/children). Dating is another impossible thing to understand. Conversations about marriage and children happen before the first date takes place! Ridiculous gifts also happen before a first date takes place. My colleagues explained to me that I need to buy a gal flowers and chocolates for a month before she agrees to go out with me. After she agrees, though, the gifts are no longer expected - what is expected, is marriage and children!!! People get married and pop out babies here before they're old enough to even understand that they don't really know much about Life, the Universe and Everything. The Ukrainian desire to procreate is the number one cultural priority. I know a guy who has been married for 20 years and has an amazing wife - and an amazing relationship with her. Problem is, she can't have a child. So, he cheats on her with his gal on the side. Sidenote: it seems average to have a person on the side - someone in another village to hookup with - and married people are prized because it's assumed they only sleep with their spouse and are less likely to have infections. Second sidenote: HIV is at an epidemic level in Ukraine. In this case, however, he is not cheating for a thrill or for a love he found after he committed to someone else - it's simply to get someone pregnant. If he manages, he said he would divorce his wife, of whom he's so proud, in order to father a kid with someone who's most attractive quality is their level of fertility. The whole situation is absolutely beyond my comprehension. Maybe I'm naive about my expectations of fidelity being normal. Maybe I'm oblivious of the desire to raise a person you can't even know over sharing a life with someone you already do. It's so confusing. I can't relate, I can't empathize, I can't fathom... Needless to say, I've spent the last year being single - and will spend the next year being single, too...

However, I have gone on a couple dates outside of the village before throwing in the towel. I recently traveled 13 hours to get to the capital and meet a gal with a physics PhD who was a professional billiards player. We were having a great time until her antisemitism came out. In vino veritas, right? She went on a rant about how Hitler was a genius and yada yada while I flagged down the server to get the bill. That was the end of that date. It was really upsetting and in an effort to forget it, I hit Tinder pretty hard and found someone else for the next day. We got ice cream and she asked if I would like to see the synagogue which was just across the street. As someone who doesn't believe in god, I didn't really care about a place of worship, but my spirits perked right up at the thought I was meeting someone tolerant and/or respectful. We crossed the street and that's when she told me she hated Jewish culture... Hhhh... I had to be careful not to facepalm my ice cream into my face. And well, that was the end of that. I wish this was an isolated bad weekend, but I've encountered this sentiment far too often. Terrible, obscene comments that make me sick. Back home, people from either side of the aisle will accuse the other of being like Hitler, as a slight against an opposing point of view. Here, time and again, I meet people who praise Hitler as a strong leader and a cruel genius. Ukraine is big and there are many people with many different opinions and world views. While other Volunteers don't have these stories to tell, my Ukrainian experience seems unfortunately full of them.

It's Friday night here, and this is Easter weekend - perhaps the biggest holiday in Ukraine, with many parts of the days long celebration. Thursday was a day for all professional women to stay home and bake Easter cakes. I didn't see much of that as I was at work while it happened. I'm spending the weekend with my host family. I think tomorrow we play with eggs, painting and knocking them against one another, and Sunday morning at 2 or 3 am, we carry a bunch of food to the church for the priest to throw water at us. Then a full day of drinking and feasting. Monday is also a holiday, but I don't know why. I think we're just celebrating the end of the 40-day fast, although I honestly didn't see much fasting. Back at work on Tuesday, where I believe we again celebrate the end of the 40-day fast. A particularly beautiful thing I've experienced during the group gatherings and celebrations is the singing. After a certain number of bottles, people just start singing. Like, together. As in, collectively, they all know what seems to be an endless list of songs. It's a really incredible moment. On hearing how impressed I was, the Milk Lady told me, "We could sing the whole night and not repeat one song!" It's amazing to me that their heads are filled with this content, whereas mine can't seem to get passed the continuing confusion and misunderstandings, mixed with beauty and joy.

So, just more than a year to go. This feels like the longest roller coaster ride in the world. Sometimes it's so much fun, a supremely beautiful experience that can't be had any other way - and sometimes I just wanna get off and use the bathroom, or maybe take a 5,000-mile walk in the direction of home.